I picked up an inquiry off of my website from a young woman looking for a therapist. I set up a phone consultation with her to discuss how we might work together. She opened the phone call saying she had never seen a therapist before and asked, "How does this therapy thing actually work? How could it help me?" I replied, "That is a very good question."
I explained to her that healing in therapy can happen on three levels: the head level, the heart level, and the intuitive gut level.
Changes to one's thoughts, beliefs, and actions.
Changes to how one feels, loves, and forgives.
And finally, changes to how one learns to trust one's inner wisdom, intuition, and gut instinct.
The foundation of the healing process across these three levels is feeling safe in the relationship with your therapist. This foundation includes the therapist connecting with you in these ways: The therapist must communicate to you compassionate energy of "I see that you are in pain and I want to help you." You must sense from them their genuine curiosity of "Tell me more, I want to really understand you." This is helpful because often we are not really clear why we are troubled, anxious, hurt, or upset. Having a neutral person skilled at unraveling complicated threads of feelings allows us to lean into the process with less fear and more trust. Having someone compassionately accompany us on a journey of emotional discovery is comforting.
You should also be able to sense their sincere desire to help you face your truth as you are ready to do. There is solidarity in having the support of another in facing difficult truths about ourselves. Someone who can patiently and without judgement hold space for us to speak our truth can be incredibly healing in and of itself. We can't change what we can't articulate.
Once the hard things are articulated, you must feel that the therapist sees the possibility of you shifting or changing. Being believed in by another helps us to feel hope that things can change. This possibility however, includes the therapist respecting the reality that we sometimes are not ready to change just because we have said the hard thing. Sometimes that is as far as we are ready to go. Sometimes that is as far as we need to go. Therapy should not demand what you are not yet ready to do, or expect that you go where you are not yet ready to go.
Feel the humanity of your therapist. All humans suffer, including therapists. They are not perfect and their ability to help others is often strengthened by their own struggles through pain. However, your struggles should always be the focus, never their struggles.
We need to experience these foundational qualities of a relationship with a therapist because healing takes place when we can be vulnerable and let our guard down. And when we put less energy into hiding, covering up, or defending ourselves, we have more energy to put toward healing.
That young woman scheduled with me and when she sank down on my couch she said, "I need to finally tell someone something that I have felt ashamed of for years." I waited patiently. Pausing often, murmuring that she was so embarrassed, she finally said with her head down and tears slipping down her cheeks, "I have had a problem with shoplifting for a long time. I can't seem to stop even though I hate myself for doing it. I am such a bad person."
Later, after she haltingly told me more details, I asked her, "How has it been helpful to tell me this? What does shoplifting give you? Does it meet a need for you?" She was initially confused and surprised by these questions, but then confessed, "I feel filled up in some way afterwards---I want to give myself something, but when I take it and bring it home, I just end up putting it in the box for Goodwill and donating it. I can't stand to have it in my house." I listened with openhearted curiosity as she spoke slowly, pausing often to take deep breaths.
I introduced the possibility that this could change, not by shaming herself, but by being compassionate and loving toward herself. I asked, "How else can you meet that need? What does your gut tell you that you need?"
As we continued our conversation. I asked more exploratory questions, "How will you know when you are ready to consider stopping? If you were to stop, what would be different about you? How would you nurture yourself without shoplifting? What would be different about your life?"
Over the course of several more sessions she stopped her habit of shoplifting. A habit that started by her inner wise self recognizing that due to growing up in a family of deprivation and lacking love and support, she craved nurturing, but this form of nurture harmed her and hurt her because it violated her values. Acknowledging her healthy instinct and separating it from her harmful behavior helped her to stop. Her goal in therapy then shifted to addressing the trauma of a childhood full of emotional neglect and learning healthy ways to nourish herself emotionally.
These are the changes that can happen when you find a therapist that you feel safe with: shifts in your thoughts that lead to changes in your actions and feelings, and a greater ability to trust your inner wisdom and move toward being your best self. This is a lifelong endeavor, a journey that you don't have to do alone.
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